blurredkisses

2009-11-09T21:58:00.002+08:00

I must apologize but I foresee future entries being of the depressing and forlorn kind...

When I say 'Bye darling. I love you' my heart breaks a little each time and mends whenever I get the chance to say 'Hello sayang.'

To date, my heart has endured countless heartbreaks and repair. Yet, it will not falter in its love for him.

2009-11-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

I really need you so bad at this moment.

2009-10-22T20:17:00.000+08:00

At some point, we all start to plateau... I think this is it for me.

2009-10-15T00:53:00.002+08:00

It's mid-October. My assignment deadlines are one after another. I've been skipping lectures. Why? I don't know. Motivate me.

what my heart desires

2009-10-13T07:00:00.002+08:00

It's those calls I miss, the daily calls at night, when everyone's asleep and it's just us, just you and me. When we share with each other details of our day, when we talk of our hopes and dreams and expectations of the future, when you sing me to sleep and I fall asleep holding on to your voice.

I miss you.

And it sucks so much not to have you here with me. I'm trying to be strong dear. But tell me, how can I? How do I survive 10 months of this? I need you.

I haven't cried. Until now. I couldn't even complete my solat because I was crying so hard. Everytime I pray, I think of you. You're the first person I offer my doa too. I pray for you faith and safety and good health and for you to come back to me quickly.

I miss you... I miss you so much syg.

2009-10-12T14:09:00.002+08:00

I miss you so much.

But, the funny thing is.. I miss you and yet, I haven't shed a tear since I last saw you at the airport.

2009-09-28T11:56:00.001+08:00

Truly, my favourite picture of us.

2009-09-06T14:28:00.002+08:00

This is love.

Because he is my past, my present, my future.
Because he is my everything.

Because I see forever in his eyes.

2009-08-31T13:12:00.000+08:00

I'm only updating because I'm super super bored and also because my boyfriend refuses to come online and talk to me. He says since I'm in school, I should just go study. But I've already explained many many times that there's no studying for my major. Hence, I will just whine here and hope for the window to pop saying that "Azry has just signed in." Yes, I believe he will. He'll cave. They all do, eventually.

My heart speaks.

2009-08-03T11:15:00.002+08:00

Just to let you know that I'm still here...

I'm trying to find words to describe what I feel, how the past weeks have been nothing short of amazing.. But the words, they don't come. Because truly, nothing can come close to verbalising this emotion within me. And the closest I can find is this:

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy… and the only thing in focus is you and this person, and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

- From the movie Never Been Kissed

That. I have that.

Thank you God.

2009-07-16T11:41:00.001+08:00

Not gonna update for a while. The people who matter will know what's going on in my life. Sharini loves all.

2009-07-13T12:17:00.001+08:00

I feel open to wearing the tudung now.

Little Miss Patient

2009-07-08T23:02:00.004+08:00

Can someone reveal to me what is the hikmah behind having to wait this long? Because the wait is really bugging me. It's not even funny anymore. I just want him back in Singapore so I can sms him every other minute, call him every other hour, see him every other day. I swear, I will be the neediest, whiniest, clingiest girl come 16th July.

No but seriously, hikmahnya apa?

Floating thoughts.

2009-07-06T23:46:00.003+08:00

Ok fine, I'll stop being mentel.

But course registration is such a bitch. 3-day week or easy courses, morning classes or late lectures, minor in linguistics or comm? Decisions, decisions.

Pro-life or pro-choice?

As much as I believe in women's rights and the ability to rationalise our decisions, I am a pro-lifer. I believe more in the sanctity of life and God's plan. If (and this entirely a hypothetical situation!) and only if I were pregnant out of wedlock, I'd keep the baby. Rationally speaking, it's insane to raise a baby with my current condition, in school, not fully mature, halfway domesticated and entirely career-driven but if He intended for me to be pregnant with the baby, then who am I to say that I don't want it? Yes, I have blind faith, I admit. I romanticise a lot of my thoughts, that's true. But above all, I'd want to own up to my mistakes. The humiliation, the embarrassment, the sacrifice are all daunting, to say the least... But yes, I'd want to be responsible.

Completely unrelated - babygirl, I know this is hard. Believe me, I know. There is nothing worse than having your heart ripped out, stomped on and thrown away. So cry it out, because you have to. Because you need to. And when that's over, you'll survive. Because you're you. And you are nothing but strong. You will get better, you will move on. And you know I damn well am more than qualified to say that.

// I want him back so badly.

2009-07-06T22:57:00.007+08:00

I'm getting irritated with all these talk of marriage swirling around me. My aunty la, my cousins la, my uncle la... Grrrr. To date, I've received 2 invitations from my friends for their July and August weddings and they're tucked away in the deep recesses of my cupboard. No, it's not because I'm begrudging their happiness. I just prefer not to think that my peers are taking this final and monumental step in their lives.

Ok fine, I'm bloody jealous la.

Jealous, jealous, jealous.

So much for being patient. FAIL.

2009-07-03T00:34:00.002+08:00

CAN HE JUST COME BACK ALREADY PLEASE?!

2009-07-01T07:45:00.002+08:00

The road to true happiness is paved with many obstacles, are they not?

I am really really really really pissed. Tell me, I'm justified in fussing over this, no?

2009-06-26T00:20:00.001+08:00

Dear God, please let Azri come home as planned.

My holidays...

2009-06-23T09:46:00.003+08:00

My holidays have been nothing short of wonderful. I haven't been wasting it, contrary to what people may think. In fact, I'm trying out new things and realising old things. I've made new friends, amazing, beautiful people who are just bundles of joy to be around. I've picked up new skills (belly-dancing yo!). Korang tunggu tau, bila I nak kahwin, I will hold a hen party and kita joget-joget k. I fell in love with driving all over again, finding new spots to go with my loved ones. I haven't picked up a single book since holidays started, which is fine cos the only one that matters is my quran.

I've started classes to satisfy my spiritual fulfillment. Partly to equip myself with knowledge so as to be a better woman for him, for the role that he will take on in the future but honestly... I've been feeling so restless, so tak sedap hati and it's definitely because I stopped my religious lessons. Insya'Allah, this restless feeling will go away.

Sesungguhnya, I've never felt so sure of something in my entire life.

2009-06-22T12:21:00.002+08:00

I rediscovered my love for netball... I miss competing, I miss being in a team, I miss that high and the adrenaline rush, I miss winning. And I got all that yesterday.

Sunday was amazing and more. First place would have been icing on the already delicioso cake.

The repercussions of the tournament: a busted knee, a red face and an aching body.

I can finally count down to 3rd July. Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally. There's only so much of 10-minute phonecalls I can take.

Anyone up for Langkawi or Cambo or Perth or India, holler at me. Available from September onwards hor.

Need to go Batam! Need massage asap.

2009-06-18T11:29:00.002+08:00

Being sick does not bode well for my bank account. To date, I have wanted to seriously buy 2 bags, no wait, 3 bags.

1 prettyyyyy Louis Vuitton pochette, but I came to my senses and decided that 1 was enough.
1 very very very very cute Gucci tote for jalan-jalan and for 'school', haha, but well, SOME people tak suka, so no buy.
1 essential Longchamp, yes, again... But no, decided against it.

That is not counting the many shoes that I've added to cart on urbanog and asos. And the many tops too. Seriously. I need to get out.

I've been holed up at home with germs and tissues and my laptop and the earphones and sitting in the tv room under the fan with the bantal in my shorts with my hair pulled waaaaaay up, enjoying the tv shows and movies.

Haha, which is what my friends and I have been doing at each other's houses... Asik merayap je tau. I leave my house at 10, come back just in time for subuh. Kan bagus duduk rumah, solat hajat ke, baca quran ke, ape ke.. And don't judge and jump to conclusions and go running off tattling to Azri ok, cos he knows of my late-night gallivanting.

And seriously, I'm so burok la please. Cos there's a battery charger for every point in the house where I use my laptop - tv room, beside my bed, in my sister's room. Haha.

Ooooook. Dah. Pointless entry following another pointless day.

2009-06-17T13:52:00.001+08:00

SICK SICK SICK.

Sorry to my friends whom I've affected. Heh. Peace.

2009-06-15T13:20:00.002+08:00

It really sucks that I'm feeling so shitty and the only one who can make me feel better is feeling equally shitty as well. Plus the fact that I can't contact him at all. Sucks sucks sucks.

Teaching

2009-06-02T13:35:00.004+08:00

These words might come back to haunt me but I'll just say it anyway.

Teaching's not too bad, actually. I realise I do like teaching. But all the other aspects that are associated with teaching are really irritating. I like it when I deliver a lesson and my students actually get what I'm trying to teach them. It's very satisfying when I see their expressions change from extreme confusion to mild understanding. And that, for me, is enough.

Having said that, however, I am very averse to the idea of being in the civil service. The thought of being bonded with the M/O/E is just... EW. No offense to my friends who have already signed their lives away but it takes a certain kind of individual to be a teacher, an N/I/E-trained one, at least.

And from all my experiences, I can safely conclude that I'm not one of them. And right now, I'm actually worried. One week of office experience and I cave. 6 months of teaching and I half-died. What can I possibly do?!

It's such a cause for concern because OMG, I'm graduating in 2 freaking years! Shit la, I'm damn old.

2009-05-31T18:28:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been so happy that you thought your heart could explode if you got any happier?

I spend my days in a blur of happiness.
I spend my nights dreaming happy dreams.

And I wish everyone can feel what I feel right now.

2009-05-28T21:36:00.001+08:00

Ana mushtaq ilaik.

Change

2009-05-26T22:25:00.003+08:00

They say the only constants in life are death, taxes and change.

Radhiah commented a while back on how she thinks I have changed, whether because of Azri's influence or not. And I can understand why she said what I said.

I don't deny it. Nor can I also agree with it. I have always stuck to what I believe in, and I won't change my principles because of some guy, Radhiah, no matter how good he is for me. And you know what Azri is like. So don't worry. I've always known that being with a man of god (haha!) will pose some problems for me. I've never been outwardly devout, I don't go around preaching, I don't insist on dropping by a masjid to solat, I don't even like to wear pants or jeans.

To be honest, the subject of the tudung has come up many times. Often with me claiming that I'm not ready to start wearing it, and I can't promise that the feeling will come to me even after marriage. He's not pushy about it and besides, everybody knows how stubborn I can be. So Radhiah, I'm not changing for him ok. I don't think he wants me to also.

But change is inevitable, no? And to effect a major change in the future, I need to start small from now. So yes, I am taking religious classes, I am getting more tudung-friendly clothes, I am learning to deal with the whole being-with-a-man-of-god thing.

But I'm still the same old Sharini, except that I swear less, right Nadia?

And girls, I'm not the only one making sacrifices...

2009-05-25T10:36:00.002+08:00

I'm happy.

For a multitude of reasons.

The whole truth.

2009-05-16T22:58:00.004+08:00

For the uninitiatied, I'm posting my pictures of my trip to Vietnam. The rest of them are all up on facebook. It was a much-deserved reprieve from the mundaneness of life and for all the fun and laughter I had there, I am thankful to be safely home.

I just need to squeal really quick here.

AAAAAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHH!

:)

Dear God,

Thank you so very much for this wonderful being that you've brought into my life. I ask for strength, patience and perseverance to get me through the days and the days after.

There are things in the past that I have done that I truly regret. I only hope that God forgives me because it will take my entire lifetime for me to forgive myself. Having said that, I can only be grateful that Azri takes me as I am and accepts my imperfections, my flaws and my shortcomings.

I realise that all this while, I've been trying to keep my past under wraps when in fact, the cliched truth is that the past does shape the person we are today. So, this is me, trying to make up for it.

To the people reading this,

If I have wronged or hurt you or caused you unnecessary trouble or became a nuisance, then I truly apologise. Sincerely.

The reason I'm doing this is because I wanna start over. I wanna be a better person, for myself, for my family, for my friends, for him, for God.

I don't wanna be the girl who sees only the superficial.
I don't wanna be the girl who ignores the priceless.
I don't wanna be the girl who values the material.

What I have with Azri means so much to me, no matter how illogical it sounds to an outsider. But my friends understand, my friends know, my friends support. And that's all there is.

The truth is, we do come from different backgrounds. How a person like him can fall for a person like me, and vice-versa, is beyond me. I spend a lot of time pondering that reality, wondering whether this is really true. And I even question whether I'm good enough for him. And Azri... He's so supportive. Even being a thousand kilometres away, and time zones apart, and under incredible stress, he's still there for me. And that says a lot. I just hope that I give back even a milligram of good that he's doing me.

And I'm scared. I don't even know why I'm writing so much and so openly here and now but... I'm scared. Because I don't know how to approach this. I'm afraid that I'll screw this up.

Why am I even spending so much time agonising about this?! We've got nothing else but time...

I guess if I'm being honest, I'm scared because I know that if I really let myself fall for this person, then there's no turning back. I don't know if I'm ready to. And I'm guess I'm scared because I know I already have.

Alhamdulillah

2009-05-14T00:51:00.002+08:00

I am back, $400 poorer but richer in experience.

Vietnam was amazing and more. And I'm glad I went. With my best friends, no less.

So now, I have gone on holidays with all the people who matter to me...

And I'm anxiously waiting for July.

pouts

2009-05-09T23:26:00.005+08:00

Azri...

I cannot wait for conversations to be wholly satisfying.
I cannot wait for stories to be fully told.
I cannot wait for laughter to be truly heard.
I cannot wait for songs to be really sung.

I cannot wait for him to come home.

Gotta tell him to stop using his phone so liberally though.. As much I would like him to.
We talk so much that it doesn't feel as if he's in Libya and I'm in Singapore. But when we go offline or when we hang up (!!!), reality bites me in the ass.

It sucks at times because there will be things that I really desperately wanna tell him but he's not there. Or when I suddenly wake up at 3AM and want someone to talk to, he's not there.

I know I promised him patience and faith.. But there are times when I falter and I wish like mad for him to come home soon. But then, I think to myself and I realise that he's never occupied this particular role in my life so why should it matter now? Then, I realise that I don't miss *him*, I miss the *idea* of this role that he has now undertaken.

Well, Vietnam in 6 hours people!
See you Wednesday, my darlings. (:

2009-05-08T09:23:00.003+08:00

I went parasailing and jet-skiing and kayaking and banana-boating without compromising on my fairness!

Haha.

No, but seriously, Batam was amaaaaaaaziiiiiiiing! The hotel was gorgeous, the swimming pool was warm, the breakfast was yummy.. But the pillows suck. I didn't sleep very well. Ah heck, I'm digressing.

It was a birthday getaway for Nadia Abdul Samad who turned 21 on the 6th of May. 21, OMG. And it was a very very very eventful 21st, I must say. We had a birthday pizza for her and loaded ourselves full with A&W and Teh Sosro and stuff.

It was so fun, the water-sports that is. We went parasailing la! OH! We should have brought our cameras up and taken aerial photographs. NEXT TIME THEN.

Need to catch up on sleep.

Next, VIETNAM with the girls. Ah, joy. When I come back, I must start working to pay for my holidays. Still got Hong Kong and Cape Town and KL and Bangkok... And Spain and Casablanca and Egypt and Cuba and Mexico and Jamaica and I will selit in umrah also :D

Ya ampon, excited benar. Bawak bertenang please.

2009-05-06T01:45:00.002+08:00

Dammit Azri. Now you've got me addicted.

:))))))))))))))

2009-05-06T01:19:00.002+08:00

I HAD THE BEST SURPRISE EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.

Now the only way to top what he just did would be to appear in front of me.

THANK YOU NADIA FOR BEING A PART OF THE WONDERFUL WONDERFUL SURPRISE.

MY HEART IS JUST BURSTING WITH HAPPINESS. BURSTING!

This is to you.

2009-05-02T11:30:00.003+08:00

I'm really sad that someone is really trying her best to put me down despite not knowing me at all. I'm really sad that someone is begrudging me for wanting to be happy. Isn't it enough that you already have a boyfriend who loves you and cherishes you and wants to be with you all the time? Why do you have to put me down so hard, especially when I've done nothing to you at all. For the record, I have never never dissed your relationship or even called you stupid. I've never even called anyone stupid, because that's just rude.

I admit I did call you a bitch but think about what you did. You wrote my then-boyfriend a long facebook message detailing all the crazy things that I supposedly did, none of which were true, by the way. You had no right to mess in a relationship. And now, I will apologise for calling you a bitch.

I'm sorry, Amalia. I really am. It was in the heat of the moment and I simply followed my anger. But then, you... You kept inching yourself in my online periphery and every little thing I said, you picked up and twisted it until I don't know what. I really don't understand why you have to be so vindictive and so malicious. What kind of heart do you have to be able to do all these?

And now, please, stay away from my life. If you have to read, go ahead. But seriously, you have to stop it with the snide comments and the remarks ok.

If you want to meet up and talk it out, I will gladly do so. I'm sure you have my number.

I really don't want to deal with all this shit in the future.

:)

2009-04-30T22:29:00.000+08:00

How we interact:

sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ok so lets clear this up..
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
if guys ask me out on dates, i say no?
AzRy says:
u wanna say yes??
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
not at all.
AzRy says:
then plz say to him tt im havin a date in a year's time
AzRy says:
AzRy says:
or ill be*
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
hahaha! ok can.
AzRy says:
n if girls tryin 2 flirt with me wat muz i do?
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
please remind yourself that you can practice your flirting on me.
AzRy says:
deal!

Actually, what I wanted to say to him was 'You better tell them that this girl waiting here in Singapore knows kickboxing so, back off.' Thought it was mighty possessive so I toned it down.

Hahahahahaha.

2009-04-30T09:56:00.002+08:00

Opening a new chapter, come August 2010.

Dear God, thank you.
For opening our hearts to accept each other.
Alhamdulillah.

For all our caution in keeping our hearts closed and guarded and protected, God intervenes.

There will be no long-distance relationship for us.

Be happy for me, girls and pray that I make the right decision this time and that I don't self-sabotage this.

AUGUST 2010.

2009-04-28T11:12:00.003+08:00

Created in the deep recesses of my bottomless mind, I have a plan. A plan to get married by the time I'm 25.

Please indulge me, thank you very much.

I have yet to turn 21. So that means I still have more or less 5 more years for this plan to be executed.

My current academic situation looks pretty damn bleak. If I do manage to get myself back up to a high second-upper honours classification, then all the better. I will immediately sign myself up for a masters degree. (Of course, I do have this teeny wish to embark on the MA with my husband. But then, I gotta wait till I'm older. Don't know if this brain will still be as effective as now.) So, when I graduate in Jun 2011, everything depends on the honours grade I get.. And by then, I would be in my 23rd year. Holy crap, that is old! Eh but hahahahaha, it's still younger than Azri's age now. Hahahahaha.

Which leaves me with 2 more years... And er, this is as far as my plan goes. I'm only OCD to a certain extent.

I do know, though, that I don't want any of those BIG HUGEASS weddings that you see now. I don't want to be paraded down the aisle. I don't want a dias that spans the length of the stage of the community centre. I don't want excess.

Actually, I'm just thinking of all these stupid things because I wanna distract myself from the heartbreaking thought of not going to Mexico. I don't even know if I should start packing or if I should just do damage control. Unarrange my plans, change my ticket, divert my travel routes.

I wanna go so so so so so bad.

Please Allah, just grant me this wish of mine and I promise, I promise x 100000000 to be a good Muslim as I possibly can. Please. Amin.

2009-04-27T21:31:00.002+08:00

I don't mind who reads my blog. There's a reason why I don't privatise it. Not for exhibition's sake, not for narcissistic tendencies, not for self-indulgence...

But clearly, I'm entitled to my own delusions and my own fantasies.

2009-04-27T14:00:00.002+08:00

Sharini macam nak nangis. Tapi semua kawannya tiada di MSN, kecuali Nadia yang sedang cuba untuk menyenangkan hatinya.

2009-04-27T11:56:00.003+08:00

So the question remains, am I or am I not going to Mexico?

Everybody tells me not to go, and when I say everybody, I mean, my whole entire family. The boy in Libya also tells me not to go. It's not an option, you guys.

But well, even if I can't go, I'm oklah cos there's a reason for everything.

Ok, that last paragraph of that last post, scratch that. Yesterday's conversation was all about letting down guards. Will I regret this? Time will tell.

2009-04-26T11:06:00.003+08:00

With them, I felt loved. But evidently, that wasn't enough to sustain a relationship.

I knew from the moment we got together that it wouldn't work out with Firdaus. Yes, he was no doubt a good boyfriend but I couldn't *relax* in that relationship. You know, the feeling you get when you're on top of the world, where nothing can touch you, where everything and anything is possible. I mean, sure, we had no good times but that was all there is to it...

The future that I wanted, that I still want, I couldn't factor him in it. And that was one of the main reasons I had to leave.

With Azmie, on the other hand, it was... tumultuous from the beginning. Full of energy, of laughter, of joy, of pain, of anger. It turned sour too much too early. Our clashing egos, our pride, our crazy fights... Of course, with the existence of the minah tudung (who I cannot ever respect) too. When we broke up, I fell apart pretty badly. How can a whirlwind romance bring out such devastating emotions? With the other one, I can honestly say there were no subsequent tears. But this one, this one... I relied so much on my friends to help me and they did, without questions. They were ready to jump in for me anytime, everytime. I will never be able to thank them fully.

And then God sent me Azri. This amazing person who has come to be a great great friend, someone who I greatly respect and admire. And definitely someone who I see myself falling in love with. But, for now, my heart is still guarded. I will not allow myself to fall in love with someone who is 16 months away. I will not open myself up to unneccessary worry. And yes, I admitted a few entries back that I believe he's THE one. I have found my imam and now, I need to suppress that thought. It will not do to surround myself with such thinking, such flimsy, ridiculous thinking.

2009-04-21T15:07:00.002+08:00

I'm such a sad sad excuse for a student. I hate mugging. URGHHHHH. Die, Shakespeare, die!

Fine, I'm gonna be a rebel and wing this stupid paper. Grr. I hate Shakespeare. Gimme Mahfouz and Marquez and Beckett and Pinter and Austen and Bronte anytime.

For no reason (actually to waste more precious studying time la), I'm gonna list down everything I need/want/have to do after exams.

Starting with...

1. Bringing down the hugeass luggage from the store and putting it in a corner of my room and subsequently fill it with stuff.

2. Make a verrrrrrrrrry detailed list of what I'm gonna bring. And people, you know when I say 'detailed', I really do mean detailed.

3. Form-fillings and stuff, especially with that ESTA thing, whatever it is. All I know is that I can't enter USA without it.

4. Possibly getting an injection, cos hey, let's face it, Mex isn't really the 'greenest' place we know.

5. Cleaning my room, this is in conjunction with packing for Mex. I have a TON of clothes that I don't wear. Oh joy to the world. I'm really looking forward to this. The inner OCD freak in me is dancing with extreme anticipation.

6. Emailing everyone with details of my flights and travel routes. And telling them when is a good time to find me online. The thought of being stuck on a 35H flight to wherever without contact with my friends is really... staggering.

7. Consult my personal ustaz on solats on flights and airports and travelling and stuff. Ask him to pray more for me :)

8. Have a much-needed meetup with N & R & Yati. Like seriously, MUCH NEEDED. I have been whining so much to them that maybe (maybe only tau!), I'll come bearing edible gifts.

9. OHHHHH. Picnic can?????? CAAAAAAANNNN?? R, you plan. You're more domineering when it comes to these things. Ok set.

10. Finally meet Rawdah in person!

11. Karaoke and Settlers and Mustafa Center and RNBDJ and movie marathon with Nad, Sharm & Shak. Aw, the thought of not seeing them everyday Tue, Wed, Thu... Aw...

12. WHAT ELSE AH.

13. Fit in a haircut @ Toni & Guy and redeeming my complimentary makeover @ M.A.C.

14. OH. Dye my hair. Seriously. I'm gonna dye my hair, not highlight tau. Wait, I should ask Azri what's the hukum for this.

15. Get more tees. Ooh. Anybody who has a surplus of tees and is willing to donate, you are MOST welcome. For real. I will be eternally grateful to you.

16. OH. Get contact lenses and solution and stuff.

17. Actually right, I can't think of anything more. But I don't wanna end the list at #17 cos it's an odd number and prime number, somemore and I like even numbers.

18. Hmmm... Ok! Got it. Get addresses of my friends so I can send them postcards of my travels.

19. Reorganize my laptop folders. They are such a mess and I can't stand looking at them.

20. Print photos of my lovelies so I can bring with me to Mex.

And that's it. There's probably more but my head is saturated with inane Shakespeare trivia.

2009-04-20T21:10:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna entertain this possibility especially when things are still so tentative and uncertain but girls, I really truly believe that he's The One.

As I'm writing this, I'm laughing to myself cos it sounds so preposterous! I mean, the idea of me, Sharini, becoming the wife of an ustaz. Who could have seen it coming? Hahahaha. Ok, who else thinks I'm being slightly crazy? Hands up. Or leave your comment or sms me with a simple 'Sharini, kau gila.'

Frankly speaking, he is unlike any other I've met. And my friends can definitely vouch for that. And he's super tall... Heh.

But well, continue living in dreamworld la girl.

2009-04-20T09:00:00.002+08:00

I can't believe how much I have been tested in the span of 4 months.

Dear friends, you especially, hold on to your good guys.

2009-04-17T19:55:00.001+08:00

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."

- Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Credits to Radhiah for her diagnosis.

2009-04-17T15:27:00.002+08:00

I know I keep writing how school sucks and how I just wanna quit and open up my sandwich shop and my drama school and my ambitions of conquering the world, one country at a time.

But the fact is, I am really really done with it. When I write, I feel nothing. They are merely literal representations of what run through my mind. Passion does not overcome me anymore, and this thing, this apathy within me is really something which I realize is wrong but why, why can't I do anything about it? Have I lost faith, have I lost focus, am I too complacent?

Tell me, God. Cos the feeling sucks. And I'm sorry I feel like this because I have so much to be thankful for. My family, my friends, my health... So much and yet, it all means nothing.

Sometimes I feel like a cheat in school. I rarely put in effort for my exams, I seriously don't study, I skip tutorials and lectures all the time. I don't even know why I go to school at times and yet, the past few semesters, I have managed to maintain grades that I thought were completely beyond my capabilities. I have rejected an offer for a double major, I have rejected an offer for a six-month exchange, I have been called in countless of times to my professors' office for a 'discussion' on my academic pursuits... And I wonder, what exactly am I aiming for in my life?

If all that does not satisfy me, then what can?

This semester has been the hardest for me academically. I achieved new lows, ones I couldn't even begin to comprehend. I knew my run of good luck was gonna end eventually. I just didn't expect it to be this demoralizing.

And I know it's a test of my faith, I gotta focus on the big picture, school is not everything... I hate this feeling of uncertainty.

Because no one, no one will understand just how HARD this semester has been for me. I've just been dealt with blow after blow after blow, and while they all took a pretty hard hit on my self-esteem, I can still pick myself up and move on. But now, at the last stretch, the last hurdle, reaching the finishing line, I am even more unsure and uncertain of what I want. And it kills me. It kills me that I don't know.

I don't even know if this makes sense.

2009-04-15T00:27:00.002+08:00

I miss those days when I would see an A on my papers...

2009-04-13T21:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing in school studying English. Sure, I'm interested in it. Yes, I'm good at it. But seriously, though, what can I do with it?

There are times when I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "I quit." But I can't. There are responsibilities, obligations, expectations that surround me.

I'm finding it hard to get through the day now, finding it hard to find the motivation to spur me on. I wake up only to find myself lost in this paperchase that I have embroiled myself in. I need time to find myself again. Because God knows how lost I am.

I wish... I can fast-forward my life to after graduation, when things have hopefully been sorted out. There's so much in life that I can look forward to and if I can only hold on to these dreams, then maybe, just maybe, I will find the peace and serenity I'm looking for.

Let's get married, shall we? And we'll travel and we'll shop and eat and laugh and sing... And we'll build a home worthy to raise nice Muslim kids. And we'll be happy.

It's so easy for me to conjure these images with him in my head. I've never allowed myself to imagine a future with the other two simply because I knew nothing would come out of it.

Let It Die

2009-04-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

- Wise words from Feist.

2009-04-03T23:25:00.001+08:00

I never realised the extent of my patience until he pointed it out to me.

2009-04-03T12:13:00.000+08:00

I am having the hardest time finishing my Shakespeare essay.

2009-04-01T23:04:00.002+08:00

Shakespeare & Le Misanthrope, I will conquer you both.

Thank God for Azri and the time difference, keeping me sane and awake and entertained and happy all night, every night.

I have finally confirmed my flight plans. When the date comes nearer, I will put up my travel schedule. But May 15th, hellooooooo Mexico!

Azri's darned jealous that I'm so close to Havana. Hah. I suppose this is his payback for making me jealous that he's so close to Cairo.

C'mon girls, slightly less than a month and then, the semester ends. Push a little harder.

2009-03-30T03:31:00.002+08:00

I will share with you all something.

Ever since Azri re-entered my life, I've been thinking about my religiosity. When I see tudung girls or madrasah girls (since they like to hang out at Bishan Library so much), I'm thinking I'm depriving them of one good guy. It sounds completely nonsensical and I know I'm selling myself short greatly... But only God knows what I have done and the guilt that I carry with myself every single day.

Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself. But he's surrounded by so many other prettier girls and girls with a stronger hold of religion over there. Yet, day after day, night after night, he's there. For me. I shouldn't be so confused. I shouldn't. Then why am I so?

I'm not saying that I think I'm not good enough for him. He has never made me feel inadequate about my supposed lack of religious knowledge. When I ask him questions about the hadith or hukum or fatwas and all.. He patiently explains and never judges. I'm only starting to learn. He knows this and he says he's willing to guide me. As what, I was too scared to ask. Maybe a friend, maybe a boyfriend, maybe a husband. Only God knows.

All I'm certain about right now is that my life is now richer with the presence of a new friend. Please God, if he's not the one for me, let me down gently because my heart cannot take another blow.

2009-03-29T16:06:00.003+08:00

I really really like talking to Azri. I think the fact that he's far away in Libya makes the whole thing really casual and relaxed.

Alah. Shit la. This is not what I really wanted to say.

What I really wanna say is that it feels funny when I go a day without talking him.

2009-03-27T15:02:00.002+08:00

I have no interest in blogging anymore.

2009-03-25T12:11:00.002+08:00

I need to not be addicted to our conversations.
I need to get my head out of the clouds.
I need to be more disciplined.
I need to get more sleep.

I'm really scared, actually.

2009-03-24T14:57:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna do the essays for Drama and Shakespeare.
Please.
Please.
Please.

How can I write a proper essay for a subject when its lectures and tutorials I don't even attend?
It makes no bloody sense.
So stop prescribing our modules please!
It's irritating, it's rude and it's downright insulting.

I want to complain.

2009-03-24T13:17:00.003+08:00

Seriously Sharini, just book a damn flight to Los Angeles please. Just stop procrastinating damn it, because you really are going to Mexico. And if you don't book now, you'll incur increased prices leaving you with less money to shop and travel around. Nak shopping kan? So book the flight NOW. Tak kisah la Singapore Airlines ke, Malaysia Airlines ke, British Airways ke, Emirates ke.. Just book.

2009-03-23T17:44:00.002+08:00

Tripoli, oklah... Since there's *something* going on, I'll just say his name. Azri and I have the same goals in life, the courses that we want to chart in our lives are eerily similar, everything is, dare I say it, almost perfect. The only thing that stands in the way is the fact that we are on two different continents.

When he comes back, he has to assume a community persona and whoever he chooses as his partner will have to practice self-censorship.

We talk of patience and love and marriage and we just keep skirting around the issue that sometimes, I wish he were physically here so I can smack the words out of him.

I don't know what to make out of this waiting game. There's no other way around it, except to wait. When he asked me just to be a little more patient, I already knew I would. The question is, is it worth it for me to wait? What if I wait a whole year and I make the same stupid mistakes all over again?

Faith. I have faith, he has faith, but is that enough to overcome everything else?
It has to be.

2009-03-23T03:54:00.003+08:00

I AM OVER THE MOON, DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY, EXCRUCIATINGLY ECSTATIC. I FEEL LIKE MY HEART'S GONNA JUMP OUT OF ITS PLACE. I CANNOT STOP SMILING. OMG. PLEASE.

2009-03-20T13:50:00.002+08:00

UGH.

Planning flights suck. I'm so confused.
Seriously, just book me a flight to Tripoli and 2 people will be happy.

2009-03-19T05:40:00.002+08:00

4 years...

To now.

Wow.

2009-03-17T20:13:00.001+08:00

I AM EXHAUSTED.
I NEED A BREAK.
I WANNA GET AWAY.
I WANNA GO LIBYA.
I WANNA EAT COUSCOUS.
I WANNA LIE ON THE MEXICAN BEACH.
I WANNA EXPERIENCE A HAVANA NIGHT.
I WANNA CLOSE MY ESSAY DOCUMENTS!

NOW.

2009-03-16T10:39:00.003+08:00

I'm completely exhausted.

The application for Mexico is such a huge undertaking. There are academic transcripts, loan documents, flight details, route plans, accommodation, budget, visas and injections and checkups.

On top of that, I've got a million and one essays to complete. All with a word ceiling of 2000 words.

Orientalism and Said and post-colonial theory and ayats from the Quran and hadith and stereotypes are running through my head. It's like constantly on replay.

After thursday, I am taking a much-needed break. Much needed. Need to slow down before the greater onslaught of more assignments, revision and exam.

2009-03-13T15:33:00.003+08:00

Kekadang, berbual dengan seorang bakal ustaz agak menyeramkan kerana pegangan agamanya yang sangat kukuh. Ada kala, saya berasa sebagai manusia yang sangat hipokrit memandangkan tahap keagamaan saya tetapi syukur, dia fahami. Saya juga sedar bahawa perkembangan proses perkenalan ini sangat 'unorthodox'. Tetapi... apa yang saya boleh buat?

My, writing in Malay is really tough.

I realise that I've got soooo many things to do with respect to Mexico.
Completely overwhelmed.

My take.

2009-03-12T00:32:00.002+08:00

I never really subscribed to the school of thought that with age, comes maturity of thought. Who is to say what maturity is? I mean, really, has anyone pondered the significance of that overrated word?

I don't like to use that word, especially when its connotation is so muddled.

Lately, I've been talking to someone and we talk of everything. Of fatwas and edicts, of cuban music, of jamaica, of mraz and buble, of tudung girls, of pastamania, of abusive boyfriends, of jodoh, of sufism, of ikan buntal, of egypt, of travelling, of nasi goreng, of tiffany...

It's nice to be able to maintain a decent thread of conversation rather than the standard 'U tgh buat pe?' I guess intellect does matter to me, after all.

But when I talk to him, I feel that my secular education and my thinking, conditioned by Western literary texts, are greatly pronounced. He finds it amusing though.

However, I do realise the unhealthiness of this situation... But well, for now, I'm glad to have someone entertain me while I'm kept up by these piles of assignments.

2009-03-08T23:51:00.002+08:00

This past week, I have been glued to my laptop screen. I have eaten, screamed, cried, laughed, slept with it. I do not kid.

Tripoli's been immensely helpful.

2009-03-07T00:45:00.002+08:00

I fell asleep last night at 1030pm while doing my African presentation, while chatting with tripoli, while researching Tsotsi...

And I woke up at 1030am, with the laptop on (!!) and tripoli still online...
And we continued talking as if 12h didn't pass at all.

I caught up on sleep!

Thank You.

2009-03-06T14:37:00.001+08:00

I asked for Strength...
and Allah gave me difficulties to be strong.

I asked for Wisdom...
and Allah gave me problems to solve

I asked for Courage...
and Allah gave me obstacles to overcome

I asked for Love...
and Allah gave me troubled people to help

I asked for Favours...
and Allah gave me Opportunities

Maybe I received nothing I wanted.
But received everything I needed.

Phweeeeettttt!

2009-03-06T11:38:00.002+08:00

STOP.

Please stop making my world spin.
There are a thousand and one things I need to do. Immediately.

1. Complete Tsotsi presentation; legacy of colonialism and relationships.
2. Complete Empire Lit essay assignment.
3. Complete African Lit essay assignment.
4. Hand in Monterrey application forms + transcript of results.
5. Schedule a meeting with Azmie.
6. Start research on Shakespeare essay.
7. Start research on Drama essay.
8. Get quotations for flights to Monterrey.
9. Plan route for travel.
10. Update R and Kakak Girl on travel plans.
11. Wait for someone to memorise Everything.

Is that really everything?

Dear God,

2009-03-03T03:36:00.002+08:00

Thank you for bringing someone who is slowly putting the smile back on my face.

Alhamdulillah.

Friendship

2009-02-25T17:54:00.002+08:00

Not a day goes by that I don't talk to either of them. NOT A DAY. Can you believe it?

We have this crazy, symbiotic relationship that translates into magic. In the 4 years we've known each other, we've bitched about and supported and hated and loved one another at some point.

I love these crazy buggers.

Who else would follow me at 11pm to meet a certain jerkface?
Who else would volunteer to kick said jerkface's balls and knock his head?
Who else would chase one another around starbucks?
Who else would stay on the phone with me till 5am when I was nursing a broken heart?
Who else would wake up at 4am to help me exit a meetup gone wrong?
Who else would wake ME up at 2am, demanding to bitch on MSN? (Of course, they knew I had a late class the next day.)
Who else would spend most of her Amsterdam days talking to us on MSN?
Who else would videocall us with her burok face terpampang at the window? (Heh, you know I love you.)
Who else would irritate me incessantly about my unsuitable being?
Who else would stick by you through anything and everything?

Tell me, who else.

Driving.

2009-02-24T17:52:00.003+08:00

Not many people know this but sometimes when I drive alone, I am driven by this horrible compulsion to drive the car into the side barriers. Ok, it's not sometimes, it's all the freaking time!

Don't ask me why. But honestly, it takes a lot for me to control the steering wheel. Sometimes I forget I'm behind the wheel, even. And that's scary. But this only happens when I'm driving alone.

Driving makes me think. About a lot of things, about the promises whispered, the secrets shared, the bitching done, the scheming plotted, the laughter roared, the joy had, the pain struck...

I'm really worried cos I know I'm quite capable of doing it. From now on, no more speeding down expressways at 130km/h. No more. I promise.

Prayer for my heart.

2009-02-24T14:28:00.000+08:00

Ya Allah, tetapkanlah hatiku dengannya jika dia benar untukku. Jika tidak, redhakanlah hatiku dengan ketentuanMu.

Road to mex.

2009-02-23T01:39:00.003+08:00

This, I gotta say.

Nadiah and I were talking... And the conversation settled upon New Zealand and Mexico and how we're gonna deal with the changes that would take place. It's unsettling, to say the least.

If everything goes well (Insya'Allah), with the visas and student accommodation and political climate and stuff, I will definitely be leaving. And though I action only say to Nadiah, "It will be fine...," truth is, I'm really not sure. We all handle change differently.

I hope you're better, NY.

Because I don't wanna second-guess mex.
I need this trip.
God knows I do.

Deadlier than boulders, mightier than the sword! BATRIBBON!

2009-02-22T02:01:00.002+08:00

Classic quote, please take note. To be referenced in distinction-scoring essays.

"These ribbons aren’t so harmless after all - in fact they’re deadlier than the boulders because the ribbons can trip you."

cherry blossom girl says:
SHIIT
cherry blossom girl says:
THIS IS FUNNY
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
OMG last sentence!
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
i can write an essay on that last sentence alone!
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
These ribbons aren’t so harmless after all - in fact they’re deadlier than the boulders because the ribbons can trip you.
cherry blossom girl says:
I KNOW
cherry blossom girl says:
HAHAHAHHAHAH
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ribbons are more deadly than boulders. sureeee, boulders are simply made of styrofoam.
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
then painted grey.
cherry blossom girl says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
man, shes really something...
cherry blossom girl says:
I WANTED TO PASTE THE EXACT SAME SENTENCE TO YOU
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
that line is classic bimbo.
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
classic.
cherry blossom girl says:
These ribbons aren’t so harmless after all - in fact they’re deadlier than the boulders because the ribbons can trip you. - FAIL
cherry blossom girl says:
i hope no one throws a ribbon in her face
cherry blossom girl says:
might trip and die
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ooohh it might get sucked into her nose and she could die of asphyxiation!
cherry blossom girl says:
batman is thinking of adding the batribbon to his utility belt
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
choking by ribbon.
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ribbon death! pink is the deadliest!
cherry blossom girl says:
AHAHAHAHAHAHHA
cherry blossom girl says:
shiiit im laughing so haaaarddd
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
the batribbon is pretty original.
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
-pats N
cherry blossom girl says:
ahahaHAHAHAHAH
cherry blossom girl says:
i was imagini batman vs joker
cherry blossom girl says:
and batman pulls out the... BAT RIBBON! JENG JENG JENG!
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
my sister just threw a bantal at me cos i was howling like a madwoman
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Bat Ribbon says:
omg
Bat Ribbon says:
pain
Bat Ribbon says:
hahahaha
Bat Ribbon says:
aaaaaaah
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
stopppppppp.
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ya ampun.
Bat Ribbon says:
TREENEENEEENG! BAAAT RIBBOOOOOON!
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
STOPPPPPPP!!!!!!
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
can you imagine, christian bale all hot and sexy with those bat nipples pulling out..... BATRIBBON!!!
Bat Ribbon says:
AAHHAHAHAHJAKHKAAH
Bat Ribbon says:
SHIT

Bat Ribbon says:
I ALMOST CHOKED

Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
someone needs to photoshop a picture of this!
Bat Ribbon says:
Deadlier than boulders, mightier than the sword! BATRIBBON!
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ok i got a harder bantal thrown at me.
Bat Ribbon says:
make your sister read!
Bat Ribbon says:
she MUST understand
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAH
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
YES.
Bat Ribbon says:
im sooo tiired
Bat Ribbon says:
too funnyyyy
Bat Ribbon says:
oh god
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
ok i take back the pillow throwing
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHAH KAN KAAAAAN
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Bat Ribbon says:
I BOOKMARKED THE PAGE
Bat Ribbon says:
OOOO
Bat Ribbon says:
a word of warning, ribbons are deadly
Bat Ribbon says:
must let my kids read this
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
N stop.
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
im cramping. ow ow ow
Bat Ribbon says:
AH RASE KAU
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
KAU PUNYE KEJE AH NI
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
i bookmarked it as batribbon.
Bat Ribbon says:
ME TOO
Bat Ribbon says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
the things we come up with at 2am. tak senonoh!
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
blog it.
Bat Ribbon says:
malas
Bat Ribbon says:
hahaahahahahhaahah
Bat Ribbon says:
you do it
sharini in the sky with diamonds says:
i ammmmm
Bat Ribbon says:
im high from laughing so much

And that concludes today's lesson.

Slightly sad...

2009-02-22T01:19:00.003+08:00

Nadiah Yusof, fellow ex-girlfriend of #1 Jerk in the world, left for Palmy tonight.

I cried, of course. I hate goodbyes. (Don't send me off to Mexico, you guys.) But! She'll be back by the time I'm back from Mex and there's always MSN, Skype, Facebook.

The basis of our friendship is so unconventional. And even though falling in love with Azmie turned out to be a complete lapse of judgment on my part, I'm happy to have found a really good friend in Nad.

And really, some people shouldn't attempt to pass comment on the situation unless they have actively participated in it. It makes them look stupid.

NY, see you in July with my Mexican tan!

Something new?

2009-02-21T02:48:00.002+08:00

I get irritated whenever I see '1 Message Received: Azmie'
Ugh.
Please.

I don't need to be reminded of your existence any more than I should.
It's bad enough that we have to stay in each other's lives but to remain in contact, NO.
Only text me when it is of the utmost importance, like say, never?

Some guys are either...
too possessive,
too carefree,
too controlling,
too relaxed,
too uptight,
too laidback,
too bodoh,
too smart (nono, I want smart),
too irritating,
too sweet,
too mushy,
too clingy,
too distant,
too insecure,
too self-absorbed,
and believe me, the list is, by no means, exhaustive.

Just once, I'd like to date a guy who is not insecure of himself. My previous ones were simply too caught up with the status thing. C'mon, it's the 21st century, you can't expect women to just sit at home and cook and clean and sew and mend and make babies, right? We are able to analyse contemporary pieces of literature and make sense of medieval ones.

At least, some of us are.

Dear Radhiah,

2009-02-19T10:34:00.004+08:00

I've known you now for more than 4 years and throughout our friendship, there have been many ups and tons of lows. But I've never seen you so defeated and so drained from life before. And it's scary, R because you've always been the strong one, the one who doesn't shy away from difficulties, the one who takes life by its balls and charges without thinking.

But now, you've lost your spark and your spunk. And I hate that you allow him to do this to you. I hate it. He is a jerk, r and you know he doesn't deserve you. (They all don't but yet, we want anyway.)

I understand where you're coming from, the pain doesn't go away quite so easily. Maybe it never will, in fact. But I know you know that God has bigger plans for us than we want for ourselves. So, keep believing in that, r and maybe you'll see the purity of the dream too.

Love always,
S

Really tired.

2009-02-18T21:30:00.002+08:00

Honestly, university's no joke. Once the shine of being one of the Malays to make it to university wears off, you start to get pulled into the whole enormity of the situation. That yes, somehow with this degree, I have a responsibility to my community.

At times, I can shrug it off and deny any affiliation with my race but there are times when I feel the need to do something, anything. It doesn't stem so much from a superiority complex where I am compelled to render help simply because I am educated in a higher institution. I can't seem to articulate it correctly but I simply think that we are proving our detractors right, with the stereotypes that are being enforced...

Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation.

I AM SPEECHLESS.

2009-02-17T21:24:00.002+08:00

Nor Azmie Ibrahim,

Dammit. I swear you are the most exasperating, most bodoh, most irritating person on the face of this planet. URRGGGGHHHH.

Is there even any cell in your skinny, little body that is even remotely human? Do you even have any fucking balls? Dammit.

I AM ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED.

And again, I am cursing your future descendants to gonorrhea and hope that their arms will be too short to scratch their itchy bits. You idiot, I hope your dick and balls rot slowly and painfully.

Mofo.

My first adult decision.

2009-02-15T11:29:00.002+08:00

I will be leaving Bishan, Singapore for Monterrey, Mexico in less than 3 months.

Ya Allah, please bless my journey and keep my faith intact throughout this entire experience.
Amin.

What I think.

2009-02-13T01:57:00.001+08:00

Taking my cue from Nadia...

I do believe in God and I do believe that Islam is the way to God. It is not so much a blind submission to this faith that I have been born into but rather, an understanding of the faith and its many intricacies. And this understanding is quite a process in the making.

Only He knows how much I've been struggling with my religiousity and how I deal with it.
Only He knows the amount of guilt I'm feeling now.
And only He can alleviate these negative feelings I have now.

I admit that I've sinned a lot. And though I try to change and consciously alter my thoughts, my actions, my words, I keep coming back to them. My personal demons, they are much worse than I imagined.

This personal struggle... I want to be a better Muslimah but yet...

My faith doesn't demand a lot. So why is it so hard? And quite frankly, I don't understand the people who have to share the fact that they 'maghrib-ed at al-falah' or 'zuhur-ed at sultan'. I mean, people, come on. The whole point of religion and faith is that it comes from within. You believe, ok good. You pray, even better. But good god, you don't have to show off about it.

And while I'm ranting here, what the hell. Let's go on. Nadia and I recently shared our common dislike, or rather, grouses, for certain factions of the tudung-wearing community in Singapore, mostly among the youths.

The behaviours of these girls are really puzzling and completely incongruous. Wearing the tudung, you should uphold some semblance of modesty and humility but nooooo! They just HAVE to cuddle up with their boyfriends in the bus, in the cinema, at the escalator, pressing up against them on the motorbikes.

Not to sound like a rightful prude, but people, please. Decency much?

Totally going off-tangent here, but anyway, my point is that, I try to understand Islam as much as I can but I can only know so much. I err. But at least I know enough to realise the limitations and boundaries that it has. This life has so much to offer. And insya'Allah, if God is willing, I can embrace them all. Without fear and without hesitation.

Of the future

2009-02-09T16:53:00.002+08:00

Ok, I just got to know that my primary school friend's gonna give birth soon. I am slightly... envious?

I know la, all this talk of marriage and babies and weddings is slightly unnerving and totally tak perlu langsung but hello, I'm turning 21 this year. And this is a scary age.

I'll be graduating in 2 years time. Depending on the situation, I would either enter the workforce or continue the paper-chase with other like-minded Singaporeans.

And, this thing with Mexico is really making my head spin. Should I or shouldn't I? I rejected San Diego because the timing wasn't really good. But now, with Mexico... I'm thinking if my fragile emotional and mental state is up for it. Right now, I'm stable because I'm surrounded by family, friends and loved ones. But over there, without my usual support system, what will happen? I'm really conflicted.

I'm thinking... I really need this time for myself, for me to recharge and relax and get away from it all here. But then again, it seems really silly for me to hope that 3 months is Mexico will do all that.

3 months... 3 months...

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku petunjuk.

Of lightness and truth.

2009-02-02T01:31:00.002+08:00

I'm over confrontations.

A new dawn.

2009-02-01T00:22:00.004+08:00

Started off the new year on a tremendous high, then went down to the lowest of lows and right now, things are calm and peaceful. I am sheltered immensely by family, friends and loved ones and for that, I am thankful.

From now on, no compromise.

Folder: Azmie; deleted.

Let's move on, be it with arabboy or busboy or canteenboy :D

2009-01-30T09:38:00.001+08:00

I'm breaking down.

The way I am

2009-01-27T10:58:00.002+08:00

My friends say I trust and love easily. And yes, I can admit that I am quite liberal with my trust and my love. Sometimes it backfires horribly, sometimes it turns out to be beautiful beyond imagination.

But that's the kind of person I am, I take a chance and risk getting burnt. I'm not afraid of saying what I feel, I don't mince my words when I'm really angry and for what it's worth, I take responsibility for my actions.

But what I hate the most is being played. Don't ever take advantage of me because you don't know what can of worms you just opened, baby.

Midaq Alley by Naghuib Mahfouz

2009-01-25T01:25:00.004+08:00

I love this book. Read it once, loved it. Reading it again, loving it more.

There is this quote that I think is really powerful. And it pretty much sums up whatever I wanted to say but never could.

"Never say you are bored. Boredom is disbelief in God. Boredom is an illness that destroys faith. Does it mean anything other than dissatisfaction with life? Life is a blessed gift from God Almighty, so how can a believer become bored or dissatisfied with it? You say you are dissatisfied with this or that, and I ask you from where did this or that orginate? Doesn't everything originate with the Glorious God who in His kindness rights all wrongs? Never rebel against the work of the Creator! All of life has beauty and taste, although the bitterness of an evil soul will pollute the most appetizing tastes. Believe me, pain brings joy, despair has its pleasure, and death teaches a lesson. How can be bored when the sky is blue, the earth green, and the flowers fragrant? How can we be depressed when hearts have a capacity for love and our souls have the power of faith? Seek refuge from the devil in God and never say you are bored..."

-Radwan Hussainy

I feel immense guilt after reading this simply 'cos I've been complaining of being bored and all. But well, to each his own.

Happy interpreting, my beautiful friends.

Love always.

My targets.

2009-01-23T08:19:00.003+08:00

What I want for this semester is for my GPA to naik. Forensic simply killed me and I'd be stupid if I didn't S/U another science module.

A lot of things in my life are beyond my control and well, my grades, my performance in school... That's something that I can take charge of and I won't let anything jeopardise it. For all my talk of clubbing and smoking, I know my place and I certainly know my limits.

I have CNY holidays to myself because my parents are bringing my sister on a trip to pamper her before she starts school. So mmm, I have this grandiose plan of finishing 3 novels, 4 comic books, swimming, running, catching up with friends. Hahahah. Padahal 3 hari je.

This post reeks of awkwardness and stunted development of my thought processes.

Hello again.

2009-01-22T10:04:00.002+08:00

Finally, I get a chance to go online after a week of pure exhaustion.

It's been interviews after interviews after interviews, meetups after meetups after meetups, readings after readings after readings.

I am awaiting an application that will hopefully take me away from Singapore for three months. While I do not relish the prospect of being away from family, friends and loved ones, I do need a break from the unnecessary drama that I may have inadvertently created.

Don't you wish you were still in primary school, where barbie dolls and smurfs and power rangers and barney and ninja turtle and captain planet ruled?

My personal relationship with Allah s.w.t should never be an issue with anyone except myself. I accept all responsibility and accountability for my own mistakes but one should never never bring in God or religion in a matter this trivial.

State of mind.

2009-01-19T08:45:00.001+08:00

Sharini is beyond happy, the kind of happiness that transcends physicalities of body, emotional wellness of mind and spiritual fulfillment of the soul.

Lessons I Took

2009-01-16T01:42:00.005+08:00

What I learnt.

That no boy is worth my tears, no matter how magical the love is.
That I am smart and strong and I shouldn't allow anyone to break me down.
That for someone so smart, I can be really stupid at times.
That I am capable of screaming like a crazy bitch.
That I am capable of screaming to someone "Crazy bitch!'
That I really do hate commitment cos it brings out the worst in me.
That I have the most amazing wonderful best friends ever in the forms of Nadia and Radhiah.

My girls.

2009-01-13T17:13:00.001+08:00

This friendship has seen the destruction of all our self-worth, at one point or another. And we have supported each other, without judgement and without question. I wish I can say that I'm alright. But I'm not. I am slowly getting there with their help though. They are a godsend. I thank Him everyday for their presence in my life.

Yati said it best - "We're given the shit now so we can tell the difference when we see awesome."

2009-01-02T01:22:00.000+08:00

I always come with a disclaimer - Beware of imminent heartbreak.

2008-12-27T14:31:00.000+08:00

I need to revamp my timetable! Ugh. I am still not over this whole course registration thing. Really annoyed with it, you know.

Anyway, the Parents coming back in 7 days! Whoo! Cannot wait! I miss them so so so much. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I cry each time they call, which is totally understandable right? I don't know if I took care of my sister well enough though. It's tough juggling. I hope I didn't let my parents down...

2008-12-22T21:09:00.000+08:00

This is the third time today. Hell, I'm bored. Usually, I'll be out.

But I just saw pictures of my parents in Mekah and they look super contented! My dad looks amazingly handsome and nothing like the fatty bom bom which he claimed to be after the many daging dinners they serve there. And my mum... She has the most serene expression on her face and she's positively glowing! Is it too hopeful to expect a baby brother in the near future? Cos I really wanna see how he'll be... But thats just stupidity talking.

Yay, they're coming home soon and it seems like the month just flew past. FLEW. Our stories yet unfinished, movies yet unseen, promises yet unkept... I just want one more month. I don't wanna start school. NOOOOOOOOO.

2008-12-11T08:48:00.000+08:00

My holidays have been nothing short of fantastic. I went swimming several times until I fell really sick. Till now, I still have sore throat, serious coughing fits and I get pretty hot once in a while. You guys should really go to Sengkang's swimming complex. It's freaking awesome la! I had so much fun and I really really really wanna go again but first, I need to recover.

And I've been going out so much that this week is the only week when I stayed at home for 2 consecutive days. My sister made that observation. The poor dear. Is it my fault that I have many friends? Heh.

I've seen Nadia and Radhiah's faces so many times this holiday and it's so strange considering we weren't even *that* close in JC. But these girls right here, I trust them. Even though they gang up on me to attack my bangs. Plus, we look so pretty together. LOL.

And ogod... You guys. I just bought another Longchamp. And already, I'm so in love with it. My mum's gonna freak when she comes back.

You know, this blog really doesn't reflect that of a 20-year-old. Some may mistake it for the delusional ramblings of an insecure 18-year-old. Oops, did I say that?

2008-11-24T22:54:00.000+08:00

This past week has been super crazy with studying, kenduri, kampung people and all... And I'm exhausted. But I just have to push past all that and go all out for the last stretch. Props go to my best friend, Ibrahim, simply for being available online. I love him, really I do... No matter how much I call him pakcik or terrorist.

Now, he's a really good guy and I would love to introduce some of my friends to him. But I know how picky he can be. Haha. But who says I can't advertise a bit? He's smart, has terrific English (almost as good as mine, I dare say :)), is really religious but yet worldly in other things. He is, on the other hand, slightly judgemental and fairly stubborn. But then again, who isn't?

Aini and I have, thus, concluded that he successfully straddles both worlds, the religious and the secular. I've been friends with him for way too long and throughout the years, he's been nothing but wonderful. Super sarcastic, though but that, I can appreciate.

Doubt he'll read this.. Haha. But if you do, heh. Pardon.